I am currently feeling the full weight of my actions and their repercussions. I wish I had handled things differently, been more in control of myself. To put it bluntly; I disrespected an important moment - a once in a life time event - and imposed myself and my own struggles onto her. I fear that in doing so I might have ruined whatever we built over the past years. It's excrutiatingly painful to realise that any reassurance, any care, "goodness", and support has possibly been replaced by the agonising feeling of being disrespected and not understood. I wish I could explain how, while I was struggling and I was in need of a message or a conversation, I did not have the expectation of her dropping everything and run to talk to me. It's difficult to explain, but I am a person that needs presence. A simple reaction, a single word, is enough to satisfy my need for connection. That's why it hurt, because I knew there was an opportunity to do just that. Regardless, I messed up, I know that, and nothing I say is trying to excuse my behaviour, I'm simply trying to explain what pushed me.
Had I simply reached out and asked to talk - would it have ended up differently?
Unfortunately, I do not believe that to be true. I fear that the attempt to reach out at this important moment would have been met with a similar, albeit less frustrated, response. Looking back, the only thing I could have and should have done was to stay quiet, to suck it up, as I have done for the most part before. Perhaps I could have talked about it after the fact, but knowing me I would have worked through it by then, the mental stress and pain I was in already forgotten.
Oh, my mistake was saying I wished I would not wake up the next morning, without giving an explanation as to what made me feel that way. I have never said anything like it before, and might never again. Regardless, going to bed within the next hour, without waiting for a possible response, was arguably even worse. I hate that I made her worry over me, I hate that I made her cry.